Pollyanna and the Dark Cloud.

This is just a little progress report, really, on my recuperation programme.

I've been doing much more than normal - going for walks, cycle-rides, etc., keeping myself busy with this and that; not needing to take naps in the day, ever; not feeling tired.

But I don't feel particularly happy about it all. I don't feel much pleasure in anything; as though there is a barrier between me and life. Despite all my visualisations of feeling radiant, and jolly and happy, my default position is still a dull, depressed feeling and I can't seem to jump it up. I labour under a dark cloud.

'Course I'm not supposed to be writing this at all, or even thinking it, or even being aware that such things as darkness and depression exist. It's against all the rules of the Process. I'm supposed to 'filter' for all the delightful, glad things in life, like Pollyanna - but try as I might, they elude me! At least, I can see that they are there, but they don't seem to translate into corresponding feelings within me.

However, I think it's normal to feel like this in this particular condition, and I'm hopeful that eventually it will all work out and I'll end up just as nauseating as everybody's dear friend Pollyanna.

The Fragrance of Water Mint

Went for a longish walk yesterday; my path strewn with a multitude of wild flowers. I brought a whole fist-full home to identify. The most interesting was a large watermint plant in a ditch. When I bruised it's leaves, it gave off a fascinating scent; fresh and lively. Like the smell of lavender, this quickened my interest in Krishna; what is His nature, that he even imagined such a fragrance as this?

They've Come!

I ordered this over three weeks ago from an American firm on ebay, expecting it to arrive much sooner. They said to wait until 22nd July before they could start chasing it up. I'd given it up as lost in the post and was worrying if I would ever get it, or if I had lost all that money. This morning, I'd just turned the computer on, to write and tell them it still hadn't arrived, when, a knock on the door, and here they are! The Complete Sacred Cantatas of Bach conducted by N. Harnoncourt and G. Leonhardt - and lots of them sung by my beloved Vienna Boys Choir.

It's the second time ever, in my life, that I've bought myself a CD - and here it is 60 all in one go - a whole music collection in itself! It's probably also the last time I'll ever indulge in this particular way.

I like the presentation - each CD in a gold sleeve, and the whole packed in a gorgeous box. All the words are there, too, in two little golden books. It reminds me a little of my most precious possession - a gold-bound set of Sri Caitanya caritamrta, which my father gave us for a wedding present; but that is in a league of it's own.

Actually, I feel guilty for having bought these Cantatas. It's not that we can afford such things; can barely pay for our basic amenities, but I found them at a very good price on ebay - half the Amazon price - and I just really wanted them. I don't think I should have bought them, but I did and now I'm going to get as much out of them as I can. I think they are helping me to learn how to pray.

Church services at the church Bach attended must have been something to look forward to!

Sri Isopanishad

I enrolled for a series of classes on the Sri Isopanisad, a few weeks ago, but was unable to go, as paying attention for even twenty minutes would cause my brain to buckle and take a week to recover! But by yesterday evening I felt so much better that I decided to go just for the first hour - ease myself in gradually. Ha! I did so well that I not only stayed for the whole two hours, but was the last to leave, having stayed to clarify a point that came up in the class - and returned home fresh as a daisy. This is progress indeed!

It was a rewarding effort - the speaker is a learned young man, just finishing his PhD on the works of the Gaudiya-Vaishnava poet Kavi Karnapura, and he illuminated the rather difficult section so well that several points which have eluded me for years finally became clear. Ifelt the gravity, the thrill and the challenge of hearing and trying to absorb this 'transcendental' knowledge - the call to a higher mode of behaviour and thought.

And that after a full day, cooking lunch, taking photos, going for a cycle-ride. I'm sort of frightened to feel too pleased lest it might tempt fate to put the boot in again. But that is silly. Naturally, anything can happen in life, but we can't stop trying and planning for all that, otherwise we'd waste what opportunities we have.

The Christmas Oratorio...

...is too good to keep for once a year! I especially like this cantata, Ehre sei dir, Gott, gesungen and listen to it every day; it gladdens the heart and strengthens the spirit. How Bach does it, I don't know, but his music is wonderful. In the version I have, it's the same conductor - Harnoncourt, but with the Vienna Boys Choir, so I was pleased to find this version on YouTube, and hear a different performance with the Tölzer boys.

Bach is a recent discovery for me, and it was Nikolaus Harnoncourt who got me interested, after hearing some of his cantatas on YouTube. They are so alive, subtle, joyful. I had thought Bach was only piano pieces that just seemed to go on and on - now I've discovered his world of choral music and listen to practically nothing else - apart from the violin and Brandenburg concertos. As Krishna says in Bhagavad-Gita, such beauty is 'a spark of my splendour'. And Bach's music really does seem like such a spark - reflecting the quality of God's beauty and making us want to bask in that. It inspires me in my practise of spiritual life - who would not want to seek out the source of such beauty!

Ultimately I want to give up Bach and find complete satisfaction in chanting Krishna's names, but for now, on the way to chanting, I'm grateful for this music.

And now, I'm off for a cycle ride, before the rain comes back.

Reading Begins

Started my reading programme; but it's not easy... have to put some brain-work into sacred reading - at least the bit I'm reading needs to be thought through. Only managed a few paragraphs, but looking forward to more tomorrow. Immediately lifts the mind to higher levels.

It's interesting; the part I read was about how any path of self-realisation is incomplete and unsuccessful unless mixed with devotional service. So, to start off with, the speaker is addressing a class of people very different to most of us riff-raff here in the West. He assumes that his hearers are already on a path of self-realisation - already have knowledge of the soul, the material energy, the modes of nature, etc. and are already practising some kind of austerities and renunciation, with a view to 'liberating' the soul from material bondage. Difficult to find a class of people like that nowadays!

Apart from that, a quiet day, today - excluding the weather, which was violently thunderous. The house shook with the wild claps of thunder and my nerves were in tatters! It lasted for hours. Well; off to bed now - happy to have started reading...

I want to read...

...and to chant.

This convalesence business is supposed to involve having lots of fun - they say it helps to produce 'happy' hormones, which help you to heal. And having been ill for so long you need a big dose of them. So, I've been trying to do that, in a modest way - no wild flings, but hunting for flowers, going for cycle rides and walks in pleasant places - reading easy, comfortable books and listening to lots and lots of Bach.

But the thing is that when you have realised the serious nature of life and have engaged in devotional service to God, becoming somewhat purified by it - Fun for the sake of it loses it's appeal. You want to get back to the real juice of life and the really important things.

So, I'm going to use this Lightning Process malarky to help me to do that. Tomorrow I'm going to start off a daily reading programme with a couple of good sessions. I've been wanting to finish The Teachings of Lord Chaitanya for several months, so I'll start with that, and consider what other books I want to read. No heavy studying for now, but trying to dive deeply into the nectar.

A little later, if possible, I want to start learning verses again. I came across a good programme on a Christian blog, where you learn a verse in seven days, then revise it once a week for seven weeks, then once a month for seven months. After which, it's likely that you'll have memorised it - course they don't usually learn them in Hebrew and English, as we learn both Sanskrit and the translation, but still, I think it could work well. You can learn more than one a week, of course.

I took a book out of the library today called " How to Read and Why" by Harold Bloom. I read half the first chapter in the library and thought it good. Solitary reading just for the sake of becoming a wise and thoughtful person, seems to be his creed. I thought it might give me some inspiration in reading scripture. (Besides which, he rates Jane Austen very highly. Ha!)

Another book that I found helpful was Sacred Reading; the Ancient Art of Lectio Divina, by Michael Casey. It's good to be reminded of the importance of sacred reading and how regular practise of it spreads to every part of us and our lives.

So wish me well, dear reader (of which there is only one, but he is very dear!).

Spent an afternoon by the river at Nether Winchendon, yesterday. That's where I was once chased into the river by a gang of cows, much to the amusement of everyone who heard about it afterwards. The cows were at the far end of the place yesterday, but my whole time there was spent on tenterhooks lest they come back. However, I managed to enjoy sitting in the sun, spotting some new wild-flowers and reading Rilla of Ingleside.

Was the Great War a waste of time and lives? I'm not a pacifist, but it seems such a shame if it was an unnecessary war. Reading various books about it, such as Testament of Youth and Rilla of Ingleside, the young men who went off to fight seemed to feel that they were fighting for something very worthwhile, yet my husband says it could easily have been avoided. Still I honour their willingness to fight and sacrifice their lives for an ideal. It's good to live your life for an ideal.

Lord of the Universe.

This bright and beautiful Jagannatha card arrived in the post last Friday, from a dear acquaintance in Belfast, with an affectionate note inside. I couldn't go to see Lord Jagannatha at Ratha-yatra, so He kindly came to me...

How I miss my Belfast friends and my Belfast life and Sri Sri Radha-Madhava! There is a strong bond forged between devotees who serve together, enduring both difficulties and good times in the service of the Lord. Many shared memories of unsurpassable sweetness.

"The thoughts of My pure devotees dwell in Me, their lives are fully devoted to My service, and they derive great satisfaction and bliss from always enlightening one another and conversing about Me." - I used to think this verse summed up my life at the Belfast temple. Bhagavad-gita 10.9

En Famille

We had a pleasant weekend with the family. To celebrate Mum's birthday, we went for a picnic, by the river Avon, with the three little'uns.

When I went to bed that night, my mind was filled with images of rivers, trees and green 'wolds'. Husband hadn't wanted to go, because he was exhausted after a week's conferences in Italy, but for me it was nice to have so much of his company all in one go. Well, as Wilkie Collins so aptly said "This is married life; when you want to go upstairs, there is your wife coming down and when you want to go downstairs, there she is coming up". So, whatever you want, you can be sure the other wants something different at that point!

I remember reading a story by Maupassant called En Famille, about a family whose aged mother died, and as they were all sitting around the coffin, they began to argue about who should have her wealth. Then she sat up in her coffin - not dead at all! And she'd heard the whole conversation, and realised that they didn't care for her, only her money. I used to find Maupassant depressing when I read him as a teenager, but now I can see the humour in it - black humour though it is. The phrase en famille usually has a cosy ring to it, the loving family all gathered together having a pleasant, domestic time...and that can be true - but it's also true that families can be places of great tension and miserable undercurrents, so I never quite know what to think when people talk about the importance of the family and family values - ambivalent, I suppose.

As a devotee of Krishna, we want to somehow help our family towards understanding of Him and our relationship with Him. So it was nice that the kids wanted to come in our car and we could play kirtan as we were driving along. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna ♫ ♪ ♫ - well enough blethering - must be getting on with the day!

This and That

A quiet day. Went for another cycle-ride - this is encouraging! But very tired in the afternoon, so had a long nap.

Seem to be able to do things like walks, cycle-rides etc now without too much difficulty, but still get overwhelmed by 'tasks'. Can't cope with any stress, or the feeling of having too much to do and not the energy to do it. It makes things difficult for other people, as I can't plan to do things and know that I'll be able to do them. Poor husband can't depend on having a clean, tidy house to come home to, or the laundry to be done, and it's years since I've been able to do the ironing.

Wish I could just be left alone to recover, but still have to do the shopping, the cleaning, cooking etc. and don't manage very well with it. Still, I get along as best I can.

Away for the weekend, to see my dear Mama and the rest of the family.

Listened to a lecture by Ravindra-svarupa, but no round chanted.

And so ... to bed!

My Bead-bag.

This is a picture of my chanting beads and bead-bag. They have been feeling very neglected for the past couple of years. I hope to be able to rectify this gradually.

I know some people haven't been able to understand why I haven't been able to chant - after all there are devotees who had much more serious illnesses than myself, who could still chant. But there it is - the nature of CFS - chanting, or speaking made me as tired as any other kind of exertion, and after a round or two I would often have to go to bed for the rest of the day. So I had to give it up, until I recovered. I still say "Hare Krishna" throughout the day and "Radha-Madhava", to remind me of my beloved deities.

I've chanted a few rounds this past week - not quite one a day, but almost - this is encouraging!

Once, when I lived in the Belfast temple as a young devotee, I had a dream: it was in those days when people lived in dread of nuclear war; I dreamt that a great siren had gone off, which meant that we were in danger of imminent attack. I wasn't frightened, because I knew all I had to do was chant, and I would be safe, whatever happened - but oh, where were my beads? I remembered I had left them right at the top of the tall building we lived in, I felt panic-stricken, ran as fast as I could up several flights of stairs, and saw them hanging from the banister, in a blue bead bag. As I grasped them in my hand I felt completely safe and happy - bombs could drop - anything could happen, and I would be safe!

Plans for the Day etc.

I fancy going for a bike ride today - so I think I will. Weather still unsettled. Housekeeping still afoot, quite a lot to do before 'himself'' comes back.

I'm feeling a fair bit better. Not sure how much I'm capable of doing, physically, so doing everything gently and doing the STOPs diligently. Enthusiasm, patience, determination, confidence - the same qualities as needed for spiritual life, per the Nectar of Instruction.

The Bee of my Mind.

Today I changed the name of my blog. 'Alone and Palely Loitering' was it's original name, taken from the poem La Belle Dame Sans Merci:

I.O WHAT can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has wither’d from the lake,
And no birds sing.


II.O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms! 5
So haggard and so woe-begone?

It seemed to entirely capture how I felt when struck with ME/CFS. I had felt like a 'knight-at-arms" a soldier in Lord Caitanya's sankirtana movement -(knights appealed to my sense of the Romantic) fighting the maya within and without, armed with the mighty weapon of the holy name. Then it was all taken away; everything lovely in my life had gone and I felt utterly 'haggard and woe-begone'.

Well it's hard to describe the collapse of confidence in everything - myself, life - everything. And the bewilderment at not being able to practise any kind of spiritual life - to chant or to read. Huh! people used to say how nice, now you can spend lots of time reading - huh!

Anyway, let's leave that in the past now, I want to move on to a more hopeful prospect.

So, I've chosen this verse, which someone sent me recently:

'May the bee of my mind become ever more firmly attached to the lotus feet of that person, whose name is Krsna Caitanya, who appeared to manifest His own yoga of devotion, which was lost because of Time.'

I wondered, today, if the poet thought of the mind as something that's always droning, or buzzing on in the background - or if he just meant that the mind is always looking for pleasure - and dragging us along in it's relentless pursuit - a sip at this flower, then - look over there - a more beautiful flower promising sweeter nectar and away it goes, on and on. But the culmination of all searches for pleasure is to be found at the lotus feet of Krishna.

Anyway, I like it and it's the new title of my blog.

Courage!

Working hard at the Process. It takes courage and hope.

Plan for the day: More housecleaning, marketing. And then........to sit and read The Teachings of Lord Caitanya in the company of the Vaishnavis; chant a round.

Memo: STOP every wanlac, lack-lustre feeling, every anxious thought and replace them with with the opposite. Keep at it, be vigilant, whack 'em all away! Courage, hope, confidence.

Yesterday's Doings

Fruitful morning's cleaning, yesterday - hoovered and busted cobwebs (sorry spiders) and dusted, the upstairs - all to the accompaniment of Mozart violin concertos. Will continue today and tidy up the hallway.

In the afternoon, I went for a between-showers walk on the moor and brought back samples of wild-flowers to identify. There are many different varieties of thistley things, and one new flower, for me, was the Hay Rattle, pictured above, so called because it has big seed-pods in which the seeds rattle when ripe. Also found a Brown Knapweed, a teasel - they are elegant plants - creeping thistle, nipplewort, burdock and later on, found a woody nightshade in the garden.

Continuing full force with the Process, encouraging sensible strong, thoughts and neural pathways - amazing how I labour under such burdensome, negative ideas about myself. Well, they will all have to go! It's all false ego, really.

Will chant a round today. Hare Krsna Hare Krsna ....... I forgot yesterday. How I used to love my tulasi chanting beads and even my bead-bag! They used to be my closest friends. It's a long time now since I was able to chant my sixteen rounds, and it's the one thing I'm really longing for.

Late Spring Cleaning.

Spring-cleaning begins today! I'll have the house in apple-pie order before Himself returns from Italy. It's a brisk wind today and not too hot, so the ideal day for it.

Pilgrim and Prue are coming to help.

So I'd best be off and setting to!

Lunch Party al Fresco

And as if careering across the landscape wasn't enough, today I went to a summer lunch party, with dear Vaishnavi friends. One of them is off to India tomorrow - the hottest time of year! - and invited us together to send her off.

We had a lovely time - really delicious prasadam with stuffed pancakes and other delicacies. And just sitting relaxing in the sunshine.

I came home and chanted a round.

All these would seem like normal activities to most people, but to me they are extraordinary, as I've been unable to do them for so long that it is a source of great satisfaction.

I still have a long way to go - my spirits still tend woefully towards melancholy, drooping and sinking for no seeming reason. I'm pretty fragile yet, but getting stronger and feeling hopeful. Hare Krishna!

Quietly Triumphant!

There's life in the old girl yet. Yesterday I went for a long walk from Burford right out into the countryside, along the River Windrush (for part of the way). I had a little brochure of circular walks around Burford and chose this one as being a reasonable four miles long. Of course, the map turned out to be misleading, I got severely lost, and it took me two and a half hours in all.

But that didn't matter - it was a triumph. For the first time in ten years, I completed a long walk without any fatigue which wasn't normal - my legs did feel pretty siezed up by the end, but I had walked constantly without a break. I enjoyed it too; there were so many pretty wildflowers and a juvenile lark sprang out from the path just in front of me ( I nearly stepped on it). It was nice to be by the river, and most of all I enjoyed the feeling of being strong and able to walk and feel happy.

All this was made possible by a girl I encountered on Facebook, who had recovered completely from ME/CFS using the Lightning Process. I had an unsuccessful attempt at the LP, two and a half years ago, but when I read her account, I decided to write to her and ask how she did it. She's been very kind; wrote me good advice and even let me phone her and have quite a long chat. I was able to ask all my questions and have them answered to my satisfaction.

Putting her advice into action, I was able to do this walk after only two days!

I don't like the LP people very much, and have felt cheated out of what was for us a lot of money - but I'm glad, at last, to understand how to do it and to have such an encouraging 'mentor' to help me.