Pollyanna and the Dark Cloud.

This is just a little progress report, really, on my recuperation programme.

I've been doing much more than normal - going for walks, cycle-rides, etc., keeping myself busy with this and that; not needing to take naps in the day, ever; not feeling tired.

But I don't feel particularly happy about it all. I don't feel much pleasure in anything; as though there is a barrier between me and life. Despite all my visualisations of feeling radiant, and jolly and happy, my default position is still a dull, depressed feeling and I can't seem to jump it up. I labour under a dark cloud.

'Course I'm not supposed to be writing this at all, or even thinking it, or even being aware that such things as darkness and depression exist. It's against all the rules of the Process. I'm supposed to 'filter' for all the delightful, glad things in life, like Pollyanna - but try as I might, they elude me! At least, I can see that they are there, but they don't seem to translate into corresponding feelings within me.

However, I think it's normal to feel like this in this particular condition, and I'm hopeful that eventually it will all work out and I'll end up just as nauseating as everybody's dear friend Pollyanna.

The Fragrance of Water Mint

Went for a longish walk yesterday; my path strewn with a multitude of wild flowers. I brought a whole fist-full home to identify. The most interesting was a large watermint plant in a ditch. When I bruised it's leaves, it gave off a fascinating scent; fresh and lively. Like the smell of lavender, this quickened my interest in Krishna; what is His nature, that he even imagined such a fragrance as this?

They've Come!

I ordered this over three weeks ago from an American firm on ebay, expecting it to arrive much sooner. They said to wait until 22nd July before they could start chasing it up. I'd given it up as lost in the post and was worrying if I would ever get it, or if I had lost all that money. This morning, I'd just turned the computer on, to write and tell them it still hadn't arrived, when, a knock on the door, and here they are! The Complete Sacred Cantatas of Bach conducted by N. Harnoncourt and G. Leonhardt - and lots of them sung by my beloved Vienna Boys Choir.

It's the second time ever, in my life, that I've bought myself a CD - and here it is 60 all in one go - a whole music collection in itself! It's probably also the last time I'll ever indulge in this particular way.

I like the presentation - each CD in a gold sleeve, and the whole packed in a gorgeous box. All the words are there, too, in two little golden books. It reminds me a little of my most precious possession - a gold-bound set of Sri Caitanya caritamrta, which my father gave us for a wedding present; but that is in a league of it's own.

Actually, I feel guilty for having bought these Cantatas. It's not that we can afford such things; can barely pay for our basic amenities, but I found them at a very good price on ebay - half the Amazon price - and I just really wanted them. I don't think I should have bought them, but I did and now I'm going to get as much out of them as I can. I think they are helping me to learn how to pray.

Church services at the church Bach attended must have been something to look forward to!

Sri Isopanishad

I enrolled for a series of classes on the Sri Isopanisad, a few weeks ago, but was unable to go, as paying attention for even twenty minutes would cause my brain to buckle and take a week to recover! But by yesterday evening I felt so much better that I decided to go just for the first hour - ease myself in gradually. Ha! I did so well that I not only stayed for the whole two hours, but was the last to leave, having stayed to clarify a point that came up in the class - and returned home fresh as a daisy. This is progress indeed!

It was a rewarding effort - the speaker is a learned young man, just finishing his PhD on the works of the Gaudiya-Vaishnava poet Kavi Karnapura, and he illuminated the rather difficult section so well that several points which have eluded me for years finally became clear. Ifelt the gravity, the thrill and the challenge of hearing and trying to absorb this 'transcendental' knowledge - the call to a higher mode of behaviour and thought.

And that after a full day, cooking lunch, taking photos, going for a cycle-ride. I'm sort of frightened to feel too pleased lest it might tempt fate to put the boot in again. But that is silly. Naturally, anything can happen in life, but we can't stop trying and planning for all that, otherwise we'd waste what opportunities we have.

The Christmas Oratorio...

...is too good to keep for once a year! I especially like this cantata, Ehre sei dir, Gott, gesungen and listen to it every day; it gladdens the heart and strengthens the spirit. How Bach does it, I don't know, but his music is wonderful. In the version I have, it's the same conductor - Harnoncourt, but with the Vienna Boys Choir, so I was pleased to find this version on YouTube, and hear a different performance with the Tölzer boys.

Bach is a recent discovery for me, and it was Nikolaus Harnoncourt who got me interested, after hearing some of his cantatas on YouTube. They are so alive, subtle, joyful. I had thought Bach was only piano pieces that just seemed to go on and on - now I've discovered his world of choral music and listen to practically nothing else - apart from the violin and Brandenburg concertos. As Krishna says in Bhagavad-Gita, such beauty is 'a spark of my splendour'. And Bach's music really does seem like such a spark - reflecting the quality of God's beauty and making us want to bask in that. It inspires me in my practise of spiritual life - who would not want to seek out the source of such beauty!

Ultimately I want to give up Bach and find complete satisfaction in chanting Krishna's names, but for now, on the way to chanting, I'm grateful for this music.

And now, I'm off for a cycle ride, before the rain comes back.

Reading Begins

Started my reading programme; but it's not easy... have to put some brain-work into sacred reading - at least the bit I'm reading needs to be thought through. Only managed a few paragraphs, but looking forward to more tomorrow. Immediately lifts the mind to higher levels.

It's interesting; the part I read was about how any path of self-realisation is incomplete and unsuccessful unless mixed with devotional service. So, to start off with, the speaker is addressing a class of people very different to most of us riff-raff here in the West. He assumes that his hearers are already on a path of self-realisation - already have knowledge of the soul, the material energy, the modes of nature, etc. and are already practising some kind of austerities and renunciation, with a view to 'liberating' the soul from material bondage. Difficult to find a class of people like that nowadays!

Apart from that, a quiet day, today - excluding the weather, which was violently thunderous. The house shook with the wild claps of thunder and my nerves were in tatters! It lasted for hours. Well; off to bed now - happy to have started reading...

I want to read...

...and to chant.

This convalesence business is supposed to involve having lots of fun - they say it helps to produce 'happy' hormones, which help you to heal. And having been ill for so long you need a big dose of them. So, I've been trying to do that, in a modest way - no wild flings, but hunting for flowers, going for cycle rides and walks in pleasant places - reading easy, comfortable books and listening to lots and lots of Bach.

But the thing is that when you have realised the serious nature of life and have engaged in devotional service to God, becoming somewhat purified by it - Fun for the sake of it loses it's appeal. You want to get back to the real juice of life and the really important things.

So, I'm going to use this Lightning Process malarky to help me to do that. Tomorrow I'm going to start off a daily reading programme with a couple of good sessions. I've been wanting to finish The Teachings of Lord Chaitanya for several months, so I'll start with that, and consider what other books I want to read. No heavy studying for now, but trying to dive deeply into the nectar.

A little later, if possible, I want to start learning verses again. I came across a good programme on a Christian blog, where you learn a verse in seven days, then revise it once a week for seven weeks, then once a month for seven months. After which, it's likely that you'll have memorised it - course they don't usually learn them in Hebrew and English, as we learn both Sanskrit and the translation, but still, I think it could work well. You can learn more than one a week, of course.

I took a book out of the library today called " How to Read and Why" by Harold Bloom. I read half the first chapter in the library and thought it good. Solitary reading just for the sake of becoming a wise and thoughtful person, seems to be his creed. I thought it might give me some inspiration in reading scripture. (Besides which, he rates Jane Austen very highly. Ha!)

Another book that I found helpful was Sacred Reading; the Ancient Art of Lectio Divina, by Michael Casey. It's good to be reminded of the importance of sacred reading and how regular practise of it spreads to every part of us and our lives.

So wish me well, dear reader (of which there is only one, but he is very dear!).